Difficult Conversations Worth Having - and How to Have Them

 

Some difficult conversations are worth having. 
 
When faced with a difficult conversation, there are many reasons we may want to avoid it: It’s uncomfortable, it could be awkward, confrontational, or contentious, and it might harm relationships. And since relationships are at the heart of coaching, we need to safeguard them. We have to ask ourselves, which difficult conversations are worth having?  And how do we move forward when a difficult topic needs addressing?
 
For me, conversations about equity are worth having, even when they have the potential to be difficult. Recently, a comment that seemed to reflect a deficit mindset toward students was made as a group of teachers wrapped up their team meeting. I was taken aback, because I’d never before heard a whisper of such negativity at this school, which serves predominantly Latino/a students from under-resourced communities. When a teacher described a recent experience she’d had at a district GT (gifted and talented) competition and said, “I’ll never see that kind of high-level thinking at this school,” I had to catch my breath.  I felt an immediate and intense need to respond, and I recognized that how I did so was important. I became so zeroed in on that teacher that I have no idea how the other teachers responded, but I knew my answer would be heard by all of them, too.
 
When I replied, I mentioned the research about emerging bilingual students that suggests that, by 3^rd grade, children typically are proficient in both languages and so they have a big, flexible language resource to draw from. “Well, I haven’t seen that,” the teacher responded. I pushed again, gently, as the teachers packed up to head back to their classrooms. And I was left with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing I had not been a strong enough advocate for students. I knew I needed to do more.
 
I needed to better educate myself about these students’ assets so that I would have a ready answer. I found an article, “The Potential and Promise of Latino Students,” and drilled down to the section, “Primed for ‘Deeper Learning’ and Bridge Building,” which highlights assets of first- and second-generation immigrants. The explanation provided was helpful for me, and I decided to share it with the teachers, too. But I was nervous about returning to the previous conversation. I couldn’t let the teacher’s negative comment stand, but if I was too direct, relationships might be damaged. So I stewed about it.
 
I stewed about it, and I talked with a group of trusted colleagues (at a DEI meeting of folks with like-minded purpose). They asked questions and offered suggestions and helped me think through the upcoming conversation from multiple perspectives, imagining what turns the needed conversation might take. We considered causes that might have elicited the teacher’s problematic comment (upcoming testing, for example). They thought with me about how teachers might reply and prepared me with appropriate responses. One of my friends suggested I start with a fact: the number of students at the school identified for the gifted and talented program (which was woefully low), and a question, “Why do you think that is?” She suggested that I take some possible responses off the table right off the bat so they didn’t get any airtime. With the article and my colleagues’ coaching, I felt (mostly) prepared for the conversation.
 
The next time we met, I asked about the GT-program numbers, I immediately said, “I know we don’t believe for a minute that because someone has more melanin in their skin or fewer dollars in their bank account, they have less brain cells.” The conversation that ensued was far-reaching, including not only GT identification and services, but also concerns about curriculum and instruction. At a comfortable spot in the conversation, I directly addressed the teacher whose previous comments had provoked this conversation and asked her about the district GT experiences she’d referenced. Her answer this time revealed a deeper commitment to enriching instruction for all students. It will take more thinking together to get to the specifics of what that might look and sound like, but at least the negativity wasn’t left to stand and the team seems ready for further constructive conversation.
 
As I’ve reflected on this experience, I realized several important steps that helped me broach the difficult conversation, and I want to keep these steps in mind in the future:

·       Take a deep breath and pause to think before responding.

·       Respond so that a deficit mindset does not linger as somehow okay.

·       Do some research; find a good resource.

·       Talk with trusted colleagues.

·       Rehearse the conversation internally.

·       Create a safe space for conversation; do not point a finger of blame.

·       Start with a fact.

·       Ask a question.

·       State and negate problematic assumptions.

·       Listen and support an open conversation.

·       Circle back to concerns.

·       End the conversation with action or forward momentum.

You may not need all of the steps above when faced with a difficult conversation. I am not an expert on coaching for equity, so I had to be introspective and seek guidance from research and colleagues as I thought my way forward. I was so nervous about the conversation!  However, afterward I felt gratified; destructive comments had been addressed, potential plans were brainstormed, and relationships seemed intact – maybe even improved because of our honest conversation.

This week, you might take a look at:
 
This podcast episode about a pathway toward equitable schools:
 
https://www.cultofpedagogy.com/street-data/
 
 
4 reasons American teens are so sad:
 
https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2022/04/american-teens-sadness-depression-anxiety/629524/
 
 
Instant mood-boosters:
 
https://aestheticsofjoy.com/2020/10/17/8-quick-things-you-can-do-right-now-to-boost-your-mood/
 
 
3 Ways to More “Aha” Moments in Coaching: 
 
http://www.growthcoaching.com.au/articles-new/3-ways-to-more-aha-moments-in-coaching
 
 
The ABC’s of giving feedback to a colleague:
 
https://www.teachingchannel.com/blog/giving-feedback-colleague
 
That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
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Follow on Facebook at: facebook.com/mycoachescouch or Twitter @vscollet for more coaching and teaching tips!  You can also find me at VickiCollet.com
 
 

Ask

In last week’s post, I talked about why we should give teachers grace and accept a “no” answer. This week’s partner post suggests how to make a “yes” more likely when it’s warranted. We want teachers to mindfully choose their yes’s, to assent to participate when it’s in their own best interest and the best interest of their students and colleagues. So let’s think about how to increase the likelihood of a “yes.” It’s not a trick, it’s a hope for a win/win situation.
 

As coaches we make a lot of requests:

      ·       Can we meet?
·       Can I observe?
·       Will you observe?
·       Will you share?
·       Will you join?
·       Will you attend?
·       Would you read (this book or article?
·       And so on…

Here are some things we can do to increase the chance of “yes.”
 
A Heart-Felt Ask
 
Before you ask someone to join or respond, think about why you’re asking.  Do you sincerely believe this opportunity will be good for someone?  Does it align with your values?
 
Make a Match
 
Once you’ve determined that the request is worthwhile, you’ll consider who to ask. Who is a good fit for the ask? If you need just one person to answer the call, make sure your ask includes why that teacher is the right one for the task. What is it about them that makes it a good fit? Show that they are uniquely placed to participate. Interestingly, requests that reflect identity are more likely to be accepted than those that reflect an action (“be a presenter” rather than “to present”).*  When working with others, creating a group identity helps:  Simply saying the work, “together” can have an effect.**
 
The Right Context
 
Think about the setting for your request – especially the when. Catching a teacher five minutes before the morning bell, when they’re gathering those last supplies for the day, is not likely to be a good time. The beginning of planning period is probably better than the end. The end of the day, after the halls clear, could be a good time – unless you know that teacher is always rushing out the door for daycare pickup. The “right” context depends on the teacher.

Decisions are influenced by context.  The situation plays a large role in guiding our actions, so consider the circumstances before making a request. Find a time when you’ll have the teacher’s full attention.  

A Clear Request
 
Be clear about the ask. The more direct and specific you can be, the better.  Sometimes, we let a statement (It’s cold in here!), stand in for a request (Will you turn up the heat?). Implying that something needs to be done is less likely to get a positive response than making a specific request. Include where, when, and for how long. “Our next book study is Mindfulness for Teachers. We’ll meet on Thursdays in April after school for 30 minutes. Would you be interested?”
 
A Reason Why
 
Another word that cues acceptance is “because.” “I’d like to have Sharla observe this lesson when you teach it because…”   Saying what the benefits will be – for the teacher and for others, provides purpose.  Feeling effective is a human motivator, so knowing the expected effects will make a difference. Project the impact of the requested action.
 
Positive Assumptions
 
If you’re expecting a “no,” it can show in the words you use, the tone of your voice, and your body language. So expect a “yes.” Don’t ask and then layer in words that imply the teacher doesn’t want what you’re offering.  Assume that they would be excited to participate, that they want exactly what you have to offer and have just been waiting for you to ask!  So ask – and then pause, giving them space to consider. Don’t fill the silence with extra words. Speaking up too quickly can push someone into a “no.”
 
When coaches make a clear, heart-felt ask to the right person at the right time, teachers are in the position to make a thoughtful decision.  Understanding the potential benefits, for themselves and for others, makes an affirmative response likely when you ask, “Would you be willing?”

*https://hbr.org/2018/05/how-to-get-the-help-you-need

**Carr, P. B., & Walton, G. M. (2014). Cues of working together fuel intrinsic motivation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 53, 169-184.

This week, you might want to take a look at:
 
EdCamp for your own school:
 
https://blog.teachboost.com/facilitate-teacher-centered-pd-with-edcamps
 
 
Books to build empathy: Sharing refugee stories:
 
https://ccira.blog/2022/04/12/sharing-the-stories-of-refugees/
 
 
A podcast episode about cultivating STEM identity through creative problem-solving:
 
https://www.pebc.org/podcast/cultivating-stem-identity-with-creative-problem-solving-featuring-wendy-ward-hoffer/
 
 
Making time for students’ (actual!) voices during writing workshop:
 
https://choiceliteracy.com/article/are-your-writers-talking-during-writing-workshop/
 
 
A reason to smile:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EZpq2sD6wE

That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
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Follow on Facebook at: facebook.com/mycoachescouch or Twitter @vscollet for more coaching and teaching tips!  You can also find me at VickiCollet.com

Letting the Dust Settle

I’ve been getting a lot of no’s lately, and I think I’m okay with that.  I’ve reached out for panelists, presenters, summer-school teachers – and even just someone to bring the muffins on Monday – with a larger-than-usual proportion of turndowns.  I’ve probed a bit and people really do have a lot on their plates. But I’m starting to think there’s more to it than that. I see teachers mindfully choosing their yes’s, safeguarding some space in their lives.
 
This week, I attended my first maskless conference since January 2020. We’ve been through a lot these past two years, responding flexibly and immediately because we had to – because we cared about our students and because the situation demanded it.  Now, maybe, it’s time to let the dust settle – or you might choose the more poetic metaphor of letting the glitter in a snow globe float to rest.  A little stillness is needed to see where things will fall. A few no’s might give teachers (and ourselves) a needed respite.
 
Many places in the country were facing teacher shortages before the pandemic – and now the exit from the profession is its own pandemic. If we are going to hold on to great teachers, and give ourselves the energy to go on, we need some mindful moments, some soothing sanctuaries, some restorative retreats. I wonder how you could create these at your school?
 
If you have an office or classroom space, could you turn off the florescent lights and open the blinds or turn on a lamp? Could you have a playlist of bird sounds or a crackling fireplace or an ocean tide whispering in the background, and pause before a conversation long enough to notice it?
 
When you meet in a teacher’s room after school, could you settle in a chair and take a breath, giving an affirming smile before you launch into a conversation? Teachers will benefit from your abiding, calming presence if you can rouse it – but you’ll have to make some quiet for yourself so that you exude serenity rather than weariness.
 
Be okay with a few no’s from others, responding empathetically when they decline a request. And please, take care of yourself. “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” Reflect on the glitter that has settled around you.  Choose the jewels to keep, and those to let go of, even if it means saying a few no’s yourself.

This week, you might want to take a look at:
 
Transcribing as a coaching tool:
 
https://choiceliteracy.com/article/a-coachs-toolbox-transcribing-talk/
 
Scroll down for the section on coaching and SEL:
 
http://buzzingwithmsb.blogspot.com/2022/02/sel-for-all-with-haley-oconnor-ep-91.html
 
 
Getting specific about reading like writers:
 
https://choiceliteracy.com/article/supporting-talk-around-writers-craft/
 
 
Leveraging teacher leaders to boost coaching impact:
 
https://blog.teachboost.com/leveraging-your-teacher-leaders-as-peer-mentors
 
 
This 4-minute video about trauma-informed practices:
 
https://www.turnaroundusa.org/video/edutopia-presents-how-learning-happens-getting-started-with-trauma-informed-practices/
 
That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
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Follow on Facebook at: facebook.com/mycoachescouch or Twitter @vscollet for more coaching and teaching tips!  You can also find me at VickiCollet.com

Credibility

In my previous post, I encouraged authenticity and vulnerability – dropping the weight of perfectionism in order to build true connection and trust with those we coach. This is a valuable stance – but best coupled with moves that build others’ confidence in our knowledge and skill. Like most things in life, it’s not black and white; to be effective coaches, we can’t focus only on our own weaknesses or emphasize only our strengths. Moderation wins again.
 
In addition to showing our vulnerability, we must demonstrate our credibility – we can’t be seen as a nincompoop (yes, that’s a real word – it doesn’t even get a blue line!). I’m sure that’s no surprise, but it’s worth thinking about how to achieve a balance between extremes that engenders trust.
 
Our professional knowledge and experience are relatively tangible. However, credibility is built not only by our content knowledge, but also how we enact that knowledge. How do we present it as we act, react, and talk about the content? And all of this depends upon the receiver’s perceptions. We have to not only be credible, but also be perceived as credible.  “We must illustrate, not assert.”*  There are at least two things to illustrate that will build our credibility. Here’s an equation for it:
 
Competence + Experience = Credibility
 
When I walk into one of my teacher-friend’s rooms, I can’t miss the wall above the cubbies where she has a class photo from every one of her 30+ years of teaching. This literally illustrates her experience. As educators, we tend not to post our credentials (diploma and teaching license) the way doctors do, but that could be another way of showing, not telling, that builds credibility. At the same time, we create credibility in a direct way, by modeling practices that work, by making recommendations that prove effective, by noticing and affirming potent parts of an observed lesson.
 
Credibility is earned through both rational and emotional perceptions. As coaches, our facts must line up, and we must also exude energy, make eye contact, and show quiet confidence to support an emotional perception of credibility. Credibility is both what we know and how we show what we know. And of course, if we love our work, that will show, too.

*Maister, D. H., Galford, R., & Green, C. (2021). The trusted advisor. Free Press, p. 95.

This week, you might want to take a look at:
 
It’s April! National Poetry Month is a good reason the include a poem about whatever content you’re teaching. Here’s a list of non-fiction poetry picture books where you might find just the thing:
 
https://readingpowergear.wordpress.com/2016/04/12/nonfiction-picture-book-10-for-10-nonfiction-poetry/
 
 
This poem, “Bullets,” is composed by a 4-year-old Preschool Poet and animated by Ukranian filmmaker Stas Santimov:
 
https://vimeo.com/254732533
 
 
Interview questions for an instructional coach:
 
https://www.edutopia.org/article/9-questions-youll-be-asked-instructional-coach-interview
 
Asking and listening to students during at-the-desk coaching (this post talks about a writing conference, but the principles apply broadly):
 
https://choiceliteracy.com/article/conferring-questions/
 
 
The importance of positive feedback when coaching:
 
https://simplycoachingandteaching.com/blog/2018/08/28/2018-8-27-fostering-strong-relationships-through-positive-feedback/
 
 
That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
Was this helpful?  Please share!
Want to know about new posts? Click “Follow” (bottom right)
Follow on Facebook at: facebook.com/mycoachescouch or Twitter @vscollet for more coaching and teaching tips!  You can also find me at VickiCollet.com