Difficult Conversations Worth Having - and How to Have Them

 

Some difficult conversations are worth having. 
 
When faced with a difficult conversation, there are many reasons we may want to avoid it: It’s uncomfortable, it could be awkward, confrontational, or contentious, and it might harm relationships. And since relationships are at the heart of coaching, we need to safeguard them. We have to ask ourselves, which difficult conversations are worth having?  And how do we move forward when a difficult topic needs addressing?
 
For me, conversations about equity are worth having, even when they have the potential to be difficult. Recently, a comment that seemed to reflect a deficit mindset toward students was made as a group of teachers wrapped up their team meeting. I was taken aback, because I’d never before heard a whisper of such negativity at this school, which serves predominantly Latino/a students from under-resourced communities. When a teacher described a recent experience she’d had at a district GT (gifted and talented) competition and said, “I’ll never see that kind of high-level thinking at this school,” I had to catch my breath.  I felt an immediate and intense need to respond, and I recognized that how I did so was important. I became so zeroed in on that teacher that I have no idea how the other teachers responded, but I knew my answer would be heard by all of them, too.
 
When I replied, I mentioned the research about emerging bilingual students that suggests that, by 3^rd grade, children typically are proficient in both languages and so they have a big, flexible language resource to draw from. “Well, I haven’t seen that,” the teacher responded. I pushed again, gently, as the teachers packed up to head back to their classrooms. And I was left with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing I had not been a strong enough advocate for students. I knew I needed to do more.
 
I needed to better educate myself about these students’ assets so that I would have a ready answer. I found an article, “The Potential and Promise of Latino Students,” and drilled down to the section, “Primed for ‘Deeper Learning’ and Bridge Building,” which highlights assets of first- and second-generation immigrants. The explanation provided was helpful for me, and I decided to share it with the teachers, too. But I was nervous about returning to the previous conversation. I couldn’t let the teacher’s negative comment stand, but if I was too direct, relationships might be damaged. So I stewed about it.
 
I stewed about it, and I talked with a group of trusted colleagues (at a DEI meeting of folks with like-minded purpose). They asked questions and offered suggestions and helped me think through the upcoming conversation from multiple perspectives, imagining what turns the needed conversation might take. We considered causes that might have elicited the teacher’s problematic comment (upcoming testing, for example). They thought with me about how teachers might reply and prepared me with appropriate responses. One of my friends suggested I start with a fact: the number of students at the school identified for the gifted and talented program (which was woefully low), and a question, “Why do you think that is?” She suggested that I take some possible responses off the table right off the bat so they didn’t get any airtime. With the article and my colleagues’ coaching, I felt (mostly) prepared for the conversation.
 
The next time we met, I asked about the GT-program numbers, I immediately said, “I know we don’t believe for a minute that because someone has more melanin in their skin or fewer dollars in their bank account, they have less brain cells.” The conversation that ensued was far-reaching, including not only GT identification and services, but also concerns about curriculum and instruction. At a comfortable spot in the conversation, I directly addressed the teacher whose previous comments had provoked this conversation and asked her about the district GT experiences she’d referenced. Her answer this time revealed a deeper commitment to enriching instruction for all students. It will take more thinking together to get to the specifics of what that might look and sound like, but at least the negativity wasn’t left to stand and the team seems ready for further constructive conversation.
 
As I’ve reflected on this experience, I realized several important steps that helped me broach the difficult conversation, and I want to keep these steps in mind in the future:

·       Take a deep breath and pause to think before responding.

·       Respond so that a deficit mindset does not linger as somehow okay.

·       Do some research; find a good resource.

·       Talk with trusted colleagues.

·       Rehearse the conversation internally.

·       Create a safe space for conversation; do not point a finger of blame.

·       Start with a fact.

·       Ask a question.

·       State and negate problematic assumptions.

·       Listen and support an open conversation.

·       Circle back to concerns.

·       End the conversation with action or forward momentum.

You may not need all of the steps above when faced with a difficult conversation. I am not an expert on coaching for equity, so I had to be introspective and seek guidance from research and colleagues as I thought my way forward. I was so nervous about the conversation!  However, afterward I felt gratified; destructive comments had been addressed, potential plans were brainstormed, and relationships seemed intact – maybe even improved because of our honest conversation.

This week, you might take a look at:
 
This podcast episode about a pathway toward equitable schools:
 
https://www.cultofpedagogy.com/street-data/
 
 
4 reasons American teens are so sad:
 
https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/archive/2022/04/american-teens-sadness-depression-anxiety/629524/
 
 
Instant mood-boosters:
 
https://aestheticsofjoy.com/2020/10/17/8-quick-things-you-can-do-right-now-to-boost-your-mood/
 
 
3 Ways to More “Aha” Moments in Coaching: 
 
http://www.growthcoaching.com.au/articles-new/3-ways-to-more-aha-moments-in-coaching
 
 
The ABC’s of giving feedback to a colleague:
 
https://www.teachingchannel.com/blog/giving-feedback-colleague
 
That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
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