Validation as a Coaching Attribute

Ruth Ayres “Big Fresh” post this week got me thinking about the value of validation as a coaching attribute, so I’m adding it to the list of personal attributes we can enrich this summer and bring to our coaching in the fall.
 
Ruth tells of her response after her teenage son let her know he’d gotten his third speeding ticket in less than 3 months. After he texted the news, along with the comment, “horrible day,” Ruth responded: “Oh noooooo! That IS horrible.” Her first step was to validate his feelings.
 
Validation shows compassion and helps us connect with others. Validating emotions doesn’t mean you agree; it demonstrates your understanding without trying to talk someone out of their emotion. We accept their inner feelings as valid.
 
Instead of saying, “Oh, it’s not that bad,” we say, “That sounds hard!” Instead of saying, “Try to see the bright side,” we say, “You seem upset.” Instead of saying, “If you hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t have happened,” we say, “I’m here for you.”
 
My husband recently had major surgery. He’s lucky to be alive. But sometimes he doesn’t feel lucky. Sometimes he feels nauseated, fatigued, and discouraged. I’m learning to say, “This is hard.” (FULL STOP) Not, “This is hard, but it will get better.” Those cheery thoughts can be added after he feels validated.
 
My daughter calls and tells me about a parenting challenge. “It sounds like you’re exhausted!” I say, and she says, “Yes!!!” feeling heard.
 
This summer, I’m confident you’ll find lots of opportunities to intentionally validate others’ emotions. Catch yourself doing it. This is good practice. When the school year gets underway, responding with validation will be a habit you can hang on to.
 
During a reflective conversation this fall, when a teacher describes a student’s behavior as challenging, you can say, “I can see how you would feel that way.” When you see a teacher in the hall and she complains about the testing schedule, you can say, “You sound frustrated!”  Then you can ask questions to clarify, showing that you are listening and trying to understand.  
 
When we validate emotions, we show that the person’s feelings are important to us. We demonstrate care, and the relationship is strengthened. Coaching (when it works) is a relational activity, so offering emotional validation is an interpersonal move worth practicing.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
You deserve PD for coaching! Come spend 2 days (Aug. 1 & 2) in Northwest Arkansas with Jim Knight, Vicki Collet, September Gerety, Afton Schleiff and a host of other coaches at the NWA Instructional Coaching Conference. Be:
Ignited. Illuminated. Inspired.
 
For the cost of the included lunches ($35), you can take your coaching to the next level!
 
As a coach, I know how hard it is to find PD that is just for you. Well, this is it!  I'm excited to have received a grant to sponsor the conference, and I hope you'll join us! Register here:
 
https://tinyurl.com/CoachingConf2023
 
Check out this flier for details and reach out to me (collet@uark.edu) with questions and suggestions.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
This week, you might want to take a look at:

Strengthening turn-and-talk:
 
https://choiceliteracy.com/article/improving-turn-and-talks/
 
 
This short video about which reading strategies to retire:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onmjCqy1K5g
 
 
Generating intrinsic motivation (podcast):
 
https://barkleypd.com/blog/podcast-for-parents-teachers-parents-and-teachers-generating-opportunities-for-learners-intrinsic-motivation/
 
Learning with Styrofoam cups (a fun PD make-and-take):
 
https://www.weareteachers.com/stacked-learning-with-styrofoam-cups/
 
 
The power of practice in achieving goals:
 
http://www.businessinsider.com/my-11-year-old-son-auditioned-at-juilliard-2017-5
 
That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!
 
---------------------------------
Hooray!!! My book, Differentiated Mentoring & Coaching in Education: From Preservice Teacher to Expert Practitioner is available from Teachers College Press!  I’m so excited to share it with you! You can use the code: JUL2023 for 15% off plus FREE SHIPPING. Click  here  and I’ll email you the free Book Group Study Guide that includes questions, prompts, and activities you can use as you share the book with colleagues.  I hope you’ll love this book as much as I loved making it for you!
----------------------------------
 
Was this helpful?  Please share!
Want to know about new posts? Click “Follow” (bottom right)
Follow on Facebook at: facebook.com/mycoachescouch and Twitter and Instagram @vscollet for more coaching and teaching tips!  You can also find me at VickiCollet.com.