It’s
dangerous to label people. We don’t like labels that convey fixed-abilities or disabilities;
we opt for more open-ended language. But
being able to label what we do as coaches can help us be more thoughtful and
intentional about those moves. This
week, I learned about third points, a tool I have been
using without knowing the label. Now
that I’ve got a way of talking about this approach, I know I’ll be using third
points more effectively. And by the end
of this post, I hope your awareness will increase your effectiveness, too.
People
usually value two-point communication – the two points being the two people
communicating, looking directly at each other.
In professional situations, two-point communication is usually a way to
build personal relationships and trust.
But in difficult conversations, two-point communication can do just the
opposite. And that is where third points
come in.
A
third point is something (anything!) that shifts attention away from eye-to-eye
contact. It could be something on a
paper or screen – a list, a graph, a class data set, a video, a list of goals
the teacher has set, an article. Whatever it is, it gives you and the teacher
something to look at rather than each other when difficult information is being
discussed. Shifting away from
eye-contact deflects feelings of “attack” and allows the teacher to save face,
quite literally because her face isn’t being stared at. The third point can be something that is in
front of both of you so that you can explore it together.
It’s
even better if the third point communicates the difficult information for
you. As the information is being
absorbed, keep looking at the third point, even if the teacher looks up. Wait until she regains her balance before
looking up again. This minimizes
potential feelings of embarrassment or humiliation; the teacher still feels
respected. Since you’re not making eye
contact, she feels less need to defend or hide feelings of being upset. Our goals is to help the teacher feel as
comfortable as possible so that we maintain a relationship conducive to instructional
improvement; using a third point keeps the coaching temperature comfortable.
I
realize that I’ve done this without really thinking about it during difficult conversations. I’ve pointed something out on an observation
sheet, saying, “Let’s see what I noticed.”
I’ve referenced teachers’ goals, recorded in my notebook. I’ve shifted our attention to an anchor chart
we were creating on the screen, or let a video do the talking when bringing up
problematic segments of a lesson. When I’ve
done this, I have felt tension decrease.
When
a third point is involved, negative thoughts that arise can be directed toward
the third point rather than toward the coach, and that is helpful. When negative reactions are directed toward
the coach, it makes it difficult to maintain the kind of relationship required
for effective coaching.
Now
that I have a label for this non-verbal
communication tool, I know I’ll use it better. My reminder for myself is: Look up when communicating
positive information; shift to a third point when communicating information
that might be received negatively.
Knowing
this will help me plan in advance to have a third point handy. Think about a difficult conversation that you’ve
had recently. Did you use a third point?
If so, how did the conversation change when the third point was introduced?
Adding
a third point can change a difficult conversation for the better. As I become more aware of my use of third
points, I’m sure I’ll refine my ideas about using them. I bet you will, too. If you do, please add a comment so that we
can learn together.
This week, you might want to
take a look at:
A protocol for discussing topics with
diverse perspectives (they are talking about assessment, but you could use this
structure with any topic):
The
engagometer – ask the students if they were engaged:
Supporting metacognition and knowing
when to abandon writing:
Vocabulary instruction in science:
What to do before asking students to self-assess:
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