One of the keys to effective coaching
is establishing trust. Once trust has been established, the conversation shifts
and deeper topics arise. In fact, when
more challenging questions or problems surface, it might be a signal that trust
has been established. That’s a good
sign! Now you can really get
somewhere! But this trusting relationship
may mean things are going to get tricky.
Problems will be shared that don’t have quick, easy solutions.
When your mentee trusts you,
challenges that she brings up might be emotionally charged – things she has
felt recurring frustrated with. Don’t
miss the emotions that are wrapped up in the situation. If you are blind to the emotions, they will
trip you up. When a teacher shares a
challenge, she is likely looking as much for empathy as for a solution. The two
can go hand in hand.
Empathy means we can truly understand
and share the teacher’s feelings about a situation. Our mentees will benefit if we can tap into
our own emotional experience as well as our professional knowledge. It takes humility to fess up to having been
in a similar situation, but that vulnerability enhances the connection and
increases the effectiveness of coaching.
When facing a challenge, teachers may
feel that they are in this alone. Everyone else has it together, no one else
has had a student like this, no one else has struggled in teaching this concept
or using this teaching approach. Your mentee may be looking for validation that
it is okay to struggle, that it is okay to try something and fail. In truth,
good teachers often fail, because they are willing to take a risk and try
something new. Maybe something that puts
a lot of control in the hands of students, which has no guarantees of
success! Demonstrating empathy means
saying, “I know this feels like shaky ground.
I’ve been there. It will be worth
it.”
Once emotions have been addressed, the
more rational parts of our brains kick into gear. After making an emotional connection, the
teacher you are coaching will be more ready to problem-solve.
So how do we demonstrate empathy
without taking over the conversation with our own story? Here are a few ideas:
1.
Emphasize
that your
coaching conversation is a safe place.
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
This recognition gives a teacher the go-ahead to express feelings
without fear of judgment.
2.
Mirror
the emotion.
Initially, the teacher may recognize empathy when you mirror the emotion
in non-verbal ways, through intonation, facial expression, and body language. I’ve found that when I initially match these
features, I can later help the teacher relax as I adjust my own non-verbal
emotional cues.
3.
Name
the emotion.
Listening with your heart helps you recognize how your teacher friend is
feeling. Your response might sound like,
“That must be so frustrating (or other
emotion) for you!” I memorized a
helpful mantra from Cognitive
Coaching: “So you’re feeling
_____________, because ____________.
But what you want is ____________, and you’re looking for a way to make
that happen.” This response works when
the teacher is ready to move toward solutions.
4.
Along with naming the emotion,
you might briefly share your own similar
experience. Empathy comes from being able to relate. Without shifting the
focus away from the teacher’s concern, you can briefly relate your own
experience using the 3 F’s: Feel, Felt, and Found. “You’re feeling _____________. I have felt
that way when ___________. What I found
was _______________.” Don’t compare their
problem to yours (mine problem was bigger!), just connect with the emotion, and
perhaps share how the emotion resolved. I often save the 3rd “F” for
later, but if you feel the teacher would benefit from hearing the resolution or
a recommendation, offer it.
Empathy is different from sympathy,
which might feel like a pity party. Empathy is willingness to walk alongside
someone in their struggles. Empathy establishes an interpersonal connection
that makes coaching possible. Expressing empathy helps the teacher begin to
think creatively about solutions. Once empathy for emotions is felt, the
teacher will be more ready to turn to action. To bring out the best in others, begin with
empathy.
This
week, you might want to take a look at:
Building emotional literacy (pre-K,
but important for older students, too):
Reasons and resources for teaching
empathy:
Ideas for end-of-year learning:
The
research is in – learning is social:
This podcast with Jim Burke considers,
“How can we teach our students better?”:
That’s
it for this week. Happy Coaching!
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