Saturday, May 11, 2019

Coaching with Empathy


One of the keys to effective coaching is establishing trust. Once trust has been established, the conversation shifts and deeper topics arise.  In fact, when more challenging questions or problems surface, it might be a signal that trust has been established.  That’s a good sign!  Now you can really get somewhere!  But this trusting relationship may mean things are going to get tricky.  Problems will be shared that don’t have quick, easy solutions. 

When your mentee trusts you, challenges that she brings up might be emotionally charged – things she has felt recurring frustrated with.  Don’t miss the emotions that are wrapped up in the situation.  If you are blind to the emotions, they will trip you up.  When a teacher shares a challenge, she is likely looking as much for empathy as for a solution. The two can go hand in hand.

Empathy means we can truly understand and share the teacher’s feelings about a situation.  Our mentees will benefit if we can tap into our own emotional experience as well as our professional knowledge.  It takes humility to fess up to having been in a similar situation, but that vulnerability enhances the connection and increases the effectiveness of coaching.

When facing a challenge, teachers may feel that they are in this alone. Everyone else has it together, no one else has had a student like this, no one else has struggled in teaching this concept or using this teaching approach. Your mentee may be looking for validation that it is okay to struggle, that it is okay to try something and fail. In truth, good teachers often fail, because they are willing to take a risk and try something new.  Maybe something that puts a lot of control in the hands of students, which has no guarantees of success!  Demonstrating empathy means saying, “I know this feels like shaky ground.  I’ve been there.  It will be worth it.” 

Once emotions have been addressed, the more rational parts of our brains kick into gear.  After making an emotional connection, the teacher you are coaching will be more ready to problem-solve. 

So how do we demonstrate empathy without taking over the conversation with our own story?  Here are a few ideas:

1.    Emphasize that your coaching conversation is a safe place.  “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”  This recognition gives a teacher the go-ahead to express feelings without fear of judgment.

2.    Mirror the emotion.  Initially, the teacher may recognize empathy when you mirror the emotion in non-verbal ways, through intonation, facial expression, and body language.  I’ve found that when I initially match these features, I can later help the teacher relax as I adjust my own non-verbal emotional cues.

3.    Name the emotion.  Listening with your heart helps you recognize how your teacher friend is feeling.  Your response might sound like, “That must be so frustrating (or other emotion) for you!”  I memorized a helpful mantra from Cognitive Coaching: “So you’re feeling  _____________, because ____________.  But what you want is ____________, and you’re looking for a way to make that happen.”  This response works when the teacher is ready to move toward solutions.   

4.    Along with naming the emotion, you might briefly share your own similar experience. Empathy comes from being able to relate. Without shifting the focus away from the teacher’s concern, you can briefly relate your own experience using the 3 F’s: Feel, Felt, and Found.  “You’re feeling _____________. I have felt that way when ___________.  What I found was _______________.”  Don’t compare their problem to yours (mine problem was bigger!), just connect with the emotion, and perhaps share how the emotion resolved. I often save the 3rd “F” for later, but if you feel the teacher would benefit from hearing the resolution or a recommendation, offer it.

Empathy is different from sympathy, which might feel like a pity party. Empathy is willingness to walk alongside someone in their struggles. Empathy establishes an interpersonal connection that makes coaching possible. Expressing empathy helps the teacher begin to think creatively about solutions. Once empathy for emotions is felt, the teacher will be more ready to turn to action.  To bring out the best in others, begin with empathy.


This week, you might want to take a look at:

Building emotional literacy (pre-K, but important for older students, too):



Reasons and resources for teaching empathy:



Ideas for end-of-year learning:


The research is in – learning is social:



This podcast with Jim Burke considers, “How can we teach our students better?”:



That’s it for this week.  Happy Coaching!

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